


Merry Unbirthday.

by boogiepopsicle



Category: Hey Arnold!, Naruto
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boogiepopsicle/pseuds/boogiepopsicle
Summary: Some days just suck even if you're a Hokage.
Kudos: 2





	Merry Unbirthday.

**Author's Note:**

> The Bird and the Bee - Birthday.

**6:00 pm.**

The noise of the wind made him look out the window and realize that twilight, painted in a pink and purple hue, has descended on the city. This day was finally coming to an end.

He never really loved his birthday. Since childhood, time after time, the expectation of a holiday was replaced by sadness, and then apathy and irritation. Just another October day. Congratulations rather evoked a tortured smile than sincere joy. He could not say what it was on this day that caused a slight burning sensation in the area of the lungs, but this uncomfortable feeling did not leave him from the beginning of the congratulations that rained down on him throughout the day.

_"Happy Birthday to you! Hugs and kisses XOXO"_

In fact, he was thinking about just leaving somewhere on that day, but working in the office didn’t allow you to roam around with a free schedule...and even just roam around. Moreover, communication in the forest constantly disappeared, and there was a chance to miss the only message that he was waiting for that day.

_"Happy Birthday! Congratulations!"_

And in general, this wasn’t due to the fact that since childhood he had not had loving parents not a cake with candles not from a convenience store. Although, of course, it was. Do not save money on a psychotherapist, children, and you will not sit with psychosomatic heartburn on the day you turn 24 years old. That awkward moment when talk-no-jutsu’s been working for you this whole time but then suddenly it's not and you feel like crap.

_"Happy Birthday! Bless you, darling."_

Thank you, thank you. Fuck, what an irony. On the one day this world belongs to you, you can’t even flip anyone off for a sloppy congratulation, because you need to be grateful and take all this bullshit with the most complacent air, not daring to complain. The adult world sucks.

_"Happy Birthday! Don’t eat too much cake today!"_

Usually, all his hardships were sorted by a pack of instant noodles and some stupid reality shows. But on this day a more serious antidote was usually required. He reached out and felt the cold surface of a bottle, waiting for its benefit performance. Coca-Cola Vanilla. After the first sip, he leaned back in his chair, covering his eyes, feeling the syrup, mingling with his own bitterness, running through the veins, granting fleeting peace.

_"Happy Birthday! You’re such a beautiful person inside and out."_

Naruto idly lowered his gaze to the desk clock, a flickering display showing 8:17 pm. While he reveled in his own suffering, two hours passed. Why was he even waiting for this message? At what point did this guy with a turnip face become so special?

They met by pure chance. This terrible mistake happened on one rainy March day, his head so swollen from work he just wanted to scream at the first user who was ready to listen, on the most doubtful forum. He never had a good way with words so all he had to say was that he wanted to bathe in the blood of defeated enemies, and not in fucking pieces of paper with reports on unnecessary missions.

His miserable nagging only drew the attention of some user with a stupid nickname “sh0rt118” (Naruto himself had the nickname “king_0f_ramen007” which was way cooler). He had the audacity to reply with cheesy like «you can make paper boats out of these documents and bet which one comes first». Naruto was actually desperate enough to do it. Then, of course, he was waiting for a thrashing from Sakura who made it clear that she doubted his professional suitability, and that everything had to be rewritten again... But communication with that stranger continued. His name was Arnold. And he was a teacher of English and literature in a distant town called Hillwood. In general, from some kind of parallel reality.

There will be no story of how their friendship flourished and how many difficulties they went through to meet and never separate again. Fuck, they never even spoke to each other on the phone, because, let me tell you guys, calls are dumb, okay? Much worse than a view of Orochimaru’s tongue for sure. He did not even know what Arnold looked like. A couple of times they discussed their looks, and Arnold casually noted that he also had blonde hair and a strange-shaped head (his ex-girlfriend called him "Football head"). This is not the matter at all. It’s just after meeting that weird guy life had become more easy to live. Sometimes, after a long stupid day, the only thing that saves you is “Dude, it's good that you haven't died. It would be very disappointing if you hadn’t seen this fighting squirrels meme before passing away” from a person who doesn’t even know what shrunken is and can’t bend any element. But instead of that, Arnold could rhyme and they had even planned to record a mix tape. Anyway, why was all this inappropriate information?

It’s finally dark outside the window, here and there you could hear the chatter of grasshoppers. An empty Coca-Cola bottle was standing on the table in the middle of boxes and greeting cards. He will deal with them tomorrow. For now he will get home and fall asleep with some random Netflix show in the background, and this day will finally die. He was tired.

His phone, lying on the corner of the table, flickered in the dark. Among the heap of messages, the top one said:

"Heard today has something to do with you getting old..Hope I’ll never see you IRL so you can continue lying about your age. I know you’re some old weeb who believes he’s a great ninja leader. Don’t cry yourself to sleep, it’s not the end of the world, I promise. I’ll talk to you soon. A very merry unbirthday to you! A xx"

Naruto smiled and turned the phone off.

What a douche. That’s exactly why you should never talk to strangers in chatrooms…unless?

That’s actually the reason why this day suddenly sucked way less.

_Merry unbirthday to me._

**Author's Note:**

> This work is a gift for my dearest friend who has a birthday today. Girl, you're T to my 9. Chips to my Cola. BBB of my heart. ♡
> 
> Also it's the first time I ever wrote AND posted anything in English, huge thanks to @thewrathofbombast for editing it in no time.
> 
> Anyone else who just read that (by pure accident, I imagine) - I'm sorry, okay? 
> 
> P.S. Coca-Cola never paid me. I wish though.


End file.
